After my spring break meeting with Indiana, I've found myself in a pattern of having to say no. So if I don't answer the phone, return your phone call or seem distant, it's not because I don't like you. It's because Indiana has convinced me that I have to refocus myself and concentrate on Geraldine in a new way.
That being said, I turned down my 4th job offer to teach German this week. This may come as a surprise to some of you reading this. You might be thinking "wait a minute, you applied to teach German? Since when?!" Let me tell you that I am equally surprised with this job offer because I haven't applied for any jobs to teach German for over two years, but that doesn't stop school districts from calling me and asking me "When can you start?" Because "Never" isn't a very professional response, I've become very good at explaining that I am happily employed at the university and unable to take a long-term sub job teaching German. It was weird the first time I received a phone call of this nature, but when a high school principal called me out of the blue on Wednesday to schedule an interview for another job that I didn't apply for, I felt guilty saying no. Especially since I really liked the program and school in need of a German teacher. Oh well. I've learned to say no to extra jobs and extra money. Between Geraldine and teaching online, I already have a full time job with overtime. Although I could consistently use an extra $100 at the end of each month, any delays in defending Geraldine will result in another year without a real pay check with retirement benefits. It's tough saying no to jobs that I would likely enjoy a lot right now, but self denial now will result in less self denial come retirement age.
In addition to turning down another job offer, I withdrew my name from writing a book review for publication last week. I've had to say no to spending time with Hubby and friends and haven't been able to bake like I would like to. All of this was on my mind when I hung up the phone after talking to the high school principal on Tuesday. As I returned to my research for a quick half hour of work, I felt a growing sense of dedication. I jotted down a few questions for Indiana and headed to his office to obtain his approval of my next moves. He seemed annoyed to see me (probably because he didn't have much time to talk before his class started) and ended the conversation by saying, "You're not making progress." Ouch. If my best friend had stabbed me in the side I don't think I could have been taken more off guard. I'm not making progress? I'm not working hard enough? Does he really think that?! Am I suppose to get angry? Panic? Depressed? The truth is I felt all of these and it distracted me from working on Geraldine. Although I'd like to write that I overcame these feelings and had a super productive week, they were replaced with an e-mail regarding my funding for next week from my department chair. The good news: I still have funding. The bad news: I have to give up my online course and going back to teaching face to face. For two days I felt outraged. Those of you that talked to me already know this. I thought about all of the reasons why I should continue to teach online and why my fellow TAs shouldn't. This resulted in me feeling negative thoughts toward three of my close friends, outrage and, ultimately, I was too distracted by this to focus on Geraldine.
It wasn't until I talked to Indiana again (wow, twice in one week!) that I felt better. In our short conversation in the student union, he told me "You are the golden child of the department and we need to be able to gloat about you when you get hired at another university next year. You can teach anything and we all know that, don't worry about it." Me? The golden child? This was quickly followed by Indiana refering to another doctoral candidate while tracing a downward spiral with his finger, whistling and making an explosion sound. Then he did something I've never seen: he broke character! Suddenly he started giggling, pointed to someone behind me and between hysterics managed to say, "Look at that guy's pants!" I turned around and saw some student's butt covered with bright purple plaid boxer shorts framed with sagging jeans. Apparently Indiana has never been into his kids' schools during passing periods or he would already be accustomed to this sight. Indiana regained control of his character with a quick switch into German "Ich bin zu alt das zu verstehen" (I'm too old to understand that) and walked away in full leather-elbow-patch-sweater-vest-professor-character reestablished.
And the lesson I've learned? I have good friends, not just good allies, and my department still respects me. I overreact to stupid things instead of burrying myself in my work like I should be doing, and my phone shouldn't be turned on in the first place to receive phone calls since Hubby isn't the one calling and my mom can find other methods to track me down if it becomes necessary. Indiana's right, I need to work harder this month if I want to defend a prospectus before the semester ends. With Holy Week starting tomorrow and ca. 100 pieces of music to sing this week, I'll need practice the art of being a hermit until I can brag about a major accomplishment with Geraldine. I you need to talk to me, I have office hours and will be at church every day but Wednesday this week. So unless you're needing academic or devine intervention, you won't see me for a while.
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