Somehow I managed to coerce myself to work on my linguistics to-do list every day this week. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, as I mostly remember wanting to eat ice cream, doing plyometric exercises so that if I ate ice cream I wouldn't regret it, watching my my ceiling fan, playing card games on the computer and staring off into space.Yesterday I never got around to working on research, but I did work on a syllabus for the upcoming courses I will teach this fall. Despite my extended periods of procrastination, I think I finished revising a paper and will be able to send it to my editors next week.
When I first received the editors' comments, I was surprised that they were helpful, encouraging and supportive of my research. Somehow I expected editors' comments to be very demanding and mean. After reading through the comments and noting the deadline for revisions, I ignored them for two months and concentrated on Geraldine (or more specifically, figuring out what was happening with my defense, graduation, funding and life in general). As I reread the editors' comments on Monday, I felt reassured in my belief in myself to address them, but as the week passed, I had a few moments of despair (pregnancy has suddenly made me understand why all of my pregnant teachers growing up were moody... these hormones shouldn't be underestimated). I sucked it up and made myself keep working anyway and am pleased to write that I have a stronger paper and I like it much more than the draft I originally submitted.
One difficulty of revising my work has been that this paper is not related to Geraldine. Geraldine focuses on historical changes words for body parts. The current paper focuses on sounds in a central Asian language. I haven't done anything with sounds for 2 years. Switching from semantics back to phonology is the linguistics equivalent of Michael Jordan becoming a golf player. I'm rusty on a lot of the vocabulary as well as the language under investigation needed for this paper. In reading it, I wonder how I ever knew enough to write it in the first place. Maybe if I re-read a paper from my BA or MA course work, I'd stop wondering how I was ever that intelligent and wonder how I was ever that clueless. :) Despite thinking that I forgot everything from my 5 phonology seminars, it seems that it is easily retrievable and I could teach phonology at some distant point in my academic future.
In addition to wrapping my head around completely different theoretical work, it has been interesting to note how my writing has changed since starting Geraldine. After reading hundreds of articles, I am no longer a patient reader. I want to know the claims of the study immediately and then I want to be convinced that the claim is the best choice for the rest of the time reading the article. The paper I'm currently revising is left over from my last semester of course work (pre-Geraldine) and didn't get to the point in the way that it should. At first, a few of the comments I received were hard to address because it seemed like I would have to rewrite sections (thus the trigger of my despair and whining), but once I turned off the comments and read the paper, it was really easy to see the flaws, rewrite sections, and delete other information that wasn't immediately related to my claim. Sometimes deleting sections is hard, but I'm finding that if I don't read something for a while, it's a lot easier to get rid of it. I hope it will be this easy when I force myself to re-read Geraldine next week. Convincing myself to re-read 15 pages of text was enough of a challenge, I'm not sure how much ice cream it will take to force myself into reading the 150+ pages of Geraldine....
Friday, May 31, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
On reestablishing a daily research routine
For 16 months, I devoted an average of 4 hours a day to working on Geraldine. I took most weekends and major holidays off from my research, but continued to work faithfully up through the final submission to Indi at the end of March. After deciding to delay my defense, I took a break from my daily routine and have since struggled incessantly with forcing myself to reestablish a daily research routine.
One of the problems with being an academic is there are no longer have deadlines. There are no syllabi stating due dates for research proposals, abstracts, rough drafts, presentations or final copies. Although my 3.5 years of graduate coursework certainly prepared me to work on a similar schedule, I'm finding that it becomes increasingly more difficult to discipline myself now that I do not have weekly meetings (classes) with others (professors) who expect me to produce scholarly work (term papers). At first I wondered how some of the smartest people I studied with hadn't started their doctoral research, writing chapters, or had even dropped out of school. I'd read accounts of people who finished their dissertations and just never submitted them to the graduate school. Before I couldn't understand how this was possible, but nowadays I feel like I could live the rest of my life without ever feeling an urge to read another linguistics paper. Suddenly, I understand why so many people progress so far into a PhD program only to never finish.
Sometimes I am surprised that I even wrote a dissertation. In the last month and a half, I think two or three people have asked me about my dissertation research. Each time this happens, I quickly explain my research questions, methodology and results. Those asking about my work seem interested and impressed with the amount of effort required for my research, yet whenever these conversations occur, I feel like I am having an out of body experience. I see and hear myself explaining my research but feel like I am observing myself from across the room. Who is that smart person who conducted that work? I could never do that! And then it occurs to me that I am the person talking, I did the research, and it's not that big of a deal. I certainly don't feel any smarter than I was at any other time in my life. Even talking about my accomplishments makes me feel like I'm violating unspoken modesty rules.I feel very unaccomplished until I force myself back into the world of academia and 5+ years of training kicks in. Someone asks my opinion about linguistics in pop media and I automatically critique the claims. I hear someone talk and subconsciously start to analyze the speaker's regional roots, contact with other languages and socioeconomic status. I read a research paper and find myself forming an opinion before I even finish the abstract. Even if I've become lazy and temporarily detached from my research, my intellect will still get the best of me once activated. Sometimes I'd rather have a super power, like being able to teleport, but I guess being an academic isn't that bad (most of the time).
A week ago I made a summer research to-do list and have been forcing myself to check off tasks. It seems ridiculous to have to include "e-mail X and ask about Y" on my list, but checking it off motivates me to do more work. I remember hearing somewhere that it takes 28 days to break or make a habit. I guess taking more than 28 days off broke my habit of daily research and it will take at least another 28 days to reestablish it and feel motivated to do so. I have no idea when I'll have more than a month at a time to do research again, but in the meantime I'll keep chipping away at my to-do list and hope that some sort of divine light beam of brilliant motivation with strike my intellect and it will make a difference in my academic career.
One of the problems with being an academic is there are no longer have deadlines. There are no syllabi stating due dates for research proposals, abstracts, rough drafts, presentations or final copies. Although my 3.5 years of graduate coursework certainly prepared me to work on a similar schedule, I'm finding that it becomes increasingly more difficult to discipline myself now that I do not have weekly meetings (classes) with others (professors) who expect me to produce scholarly work (term papers). At first I wondered how some of the smartest people I studied with hadn't started their doctoral research, writing chapters, or had even dropped out of school. I'd read accounts of people who finished their dissertations and just never submitted them to the graduate school. Before I couldn't understand how this was possible, but nowadays I feel like I could live the rest of my life without ever feeling an urge to read another linguistics paper. Suddenly, I understand why so many people progress so far into a PhD program only to never finish.
Sometimes I am surprised that I even wrote a dissertation. In the last month and a half, I think two or three people have asked me about my dissertation research. Each time this happens, I quickly explain my research questions, methodology and results. Those asking about my work seem interested and impressed with the amount of effort required for my research, yet whenever these conversations occur, I feel like I am having an out of body experience. I see and hear myself explaining my research but feel like I am observing myself from across the room. Who is that smart person who conducted that work? I could never do that! And then it occurs to me that I am the person talking, I did the research, and it's not that big of a deal. I certainly don't feel any smarter than I was at any other time in my life. Even talking about my accomplishments makes me feel like I'm violating unspoken modesty rules.I feel very unaccomplished until I force myself back into the world of academia and 5+ years of training kicks in. Someone asks my opinion about linguistics in pop media and I automatically critique the claims. I hear someone talk and subconsciously start to analyze the speaker's regional roots, contact with other languages and socioeconomic status. I read a research paper and find myself forming an opinion before I even finish the abstract. Even if I've become lazy and temporarily detached from my research, my intellect will still get the best of me once activated. Sometimes I'd rather have a super power, like being able to teleport, but I guess being an academic isn't that bad (most of the time).
A week ago I made a summer research to-do list and have been forcing myself to check off tasks. It seems ridiculous to have to include "e-mail X and ask about Y" on my list, but checking it off motivates me to do more work. I remember hearing somewhere that it takes 28 days to break or make a habit. I guess taking more than 28 days off broke my habit of daily research and it will take at least another 28 days to reestablish it and feel motivated to do so. I have no idea when I'll have more than a month at a time to do research again, but in the meantime I'll keep chipping away at my to-do list and hope that some sort of divine light beam of brilliant motivation with strike my intellect and it will make a difference in my academic career.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
On not graduating
I finished grading exams for another set of students. Usually I would be happy that my teaching obligations are done for another term, but my lack of excitement saturates all of my current feelings regarding school. I've taken a month off from research and told myself that I'd have to start again as soon as my students' finals were graded. That means I have to resume research today, but I don't have a strong desire to do it. I know many people who defend then submit their work to the graduate school never to look at their dissertation research again. I don't think that I'm that person, nor do I think it's unusual to be completely burnt out after completing a dissertation, but I sure wish I had a stronger drive to pursue my research. Luckily, I have a lot of deadlines this summer that will force me to work regardless of my desire to do so.
In my month away from researching, I've been able to enjoy a few hobbies (wow, I have hobbies?!?). I started cooking again and knit a bunch of stuff for the baby. Meanwhile I've been trying to figure out how I can both be a top linguist in my field and a great mom. The two seem diametrically opposed and I've spent the last few months trying to convince myself that my pregnancy isn't an academic shot in the foot. There is more to think about then I thought there would be before becoming pregnant. Suddenly moving to Europe for a post doc in the next year sounds overwhelming. Then again, so do labor and breast feeding. At least I stopped having dissertation-related nightmares.
I thought that delaying graduation would leave me feeling left out, but it hasn't. I happily delete all e-mails concerning cap and gowns and ignore anything else having to do with graduation. What I didn't expect is the mountain of paperwork I've been shifting through due to the fact that I'm staying on for another semester. Because I applied for graduation, no offices on campus planned for me to return. Teaching contracts came out last week (which is about a month later than normal) and even though my department told me I would come back in the fall fully funded, it seems that no one else was informed of this decision. Among other things, paper work has included:
notifying human resources that I am returning so that my insurance isn't dropped (3xs)
notifying the graduate school that I am returning so that I can enroll in classes (4xs)
notifying my loan companies that I am still in school and my loans should still be in deferment (2xs)
requesting permission numbers so that I can enroll
signing weird documents with information about my marital statues and husband's contact information so that I can enroll
paying a $40 graduation fee so that I can enroll in classes again (1x only, few!)
owing $600 to human resources to make up for the health insurance deductions that weren't taken from my paycheck this semester (better only be 1x or they might as well fire me)
Other things that have been awkward include receiving mail addressed to Dr. Kelsie, taking a graduation trip without having graduated, receiving a really awesome camera for graduating without actually graduating, and not knowing what to tell people when they ask about school, which at the moment usually sounds like this: "How's the dissertation going?"
"Fine. Everything is done."
"Great! When are you graduating?"
"I don't know."
"Why not?"
"I'm pregnant so my committee delayed my defense until later notice. I'll let you know when I receive later notice."
"Oh, you're pregnant, I couldn't tell. Congratulations."
to myself: "Give me a break, I look like I swallowed a basketball. Geraldine couldn't have made me look this huge."
At this point, I'm convinced it would have been easier to go through with the defense and graduate. Oh well.
In my month away from researching, I've been able to enjoy a few hobbies (wow, I have hobbies?!?). I started cooking again and knit a bunch of stuff for the baby. Meanwhile I've been trying to figure out how I can both be a top linguist in my field and a great mom. The two seem diametrically opposed and I've spent the last few months trying to convince myself that my pregnancy isn't an academic shot in the foot. There is more to think about then I thought there would be before becoming pregnant. Suddenly moving to Europe for a post doc in the next year sounds overwhelming. Then again, so do labor and breast feeding. At least I stopped having dissertation-related nightmares.
I thought that delaying graduation would leave me feeling left out, but it hasn't. I happily delete all e-mails concerning cap and gowns and ignore anything else having to do with graduation. What I didn't expect is the mountain of paperwork I've been shifting through due to the fact that I'm staying on for another semester. Because I applied for graduation, no offices on campus planned for me to return. Teaching contracts came out last week (which is about a month later than normal) and even though my department told me I would come back in the fall fully funded, it seems that no one else was informed of this decision. Among other things, paper work has included:
notifying human resources that I am returning so that my insurance isn't dropped (3xs)
notifying the graduate school that I am returning so that I can enroll in classes (4xs)
notifying my loan companies that I am still in school and my loans should still be in deferment (2xs)
requesting permission numbers so that I can enroll
signing weird documents with information about my marital statues and husband's contact information so that I can enroll
paying a $40 graduation fee so that I can enroll in classes again (1x only, few!)
owing $600 to human resources to make up for the health insurance deductions that weren't taken from my paycheck this semester (better only be 1x or they might as well fire me)
Other things that have been awkward include receiving mail addressed to Dr. Kelsie, taking a graduation trip without having graduated, receiving a really awesome camera for graduating without actually graduating, and not knowing what to tell people when they ask about school, which at the moment usually sounds like this: "How's the dissertation going?"
"Fine. Everything is done."
"Great! When are you graduating?"
"I don't know."
"Why not?"
"I'm pregnant so my committee delayed my defense until later notice. I'll let you know when I receive later notice."
"Oh, you're pregnant, I couldn't tell. Congratulations."
to myself: "Give me a break, I look like I swallowed a basketball. Geraldine couldn't have made me look this huge."
At this point, I'm convinced it would have been easier to go through with the defense and graduate. Oh well.
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