Writing this blog today points out how little my summer occupations had to do with Geraldine. Has it really been 3 1/2 months since I wrote about my dissertation? Oops. I feel like I worked a lot this summer, but my focus changed from spending 4 hours a day on Geraldine to other projects. I published a paper, turned some of my dissertation findings into a paper for a conference in Germany, rewrote an entire semester's worth of lectures for the online classes that I teach, adopted new course readings and started preparing myself for entering the job market. Meanwhile, I recovered from complete linguistic burnout and enjoyed my first summer in 6 years that didn't include taking classes or teaching summer school. It pleases me to write that I can now talk about linguistics again without feeling a need to go on vacation.
The semester started two weeks ago. The first day left me feeling out of place. As I walked across campus, the incoming students meandering around lost in the crowd seemed very young and I felt old. I couldn't help but wonder, "Why am I still a student, this is supposed to be my first day as a professor." Of course it might not be that surprising that walking across a campus 9 months pregnant in clothes that don't fit anymore while surrounded by clueless 18- and 19-year-olds dressed either for a night in a club or a pajama party would lead me to think that I no longer fit in. None of the other TAs were in their offices, most of the department doors were closed, I had my office to myself and it did not feel like the first day of fall semester.
My online classes are running smoothly and I've tried to be on campus as much as possible, knowing that I won't be there for the remainder of the semester as soon as my body decides to go into labor (I'm due in a week). I'm impatiently waiting for news about my contract, which currently expires in December. I had to reapply as a TA, but was told that my chances of receiving a renewal for the spring were slim because on paper I am too close to graduating. Never mind the obvious facts that all of my committee members were out of the country over the summer and we agreed to wait on final revisions, some of my committee members are still out of the country and it is impossible to defend now, and in a week or two it will be physically impossible for me to show up to a defense. I think the department made a decision regarding my contract yesterday, but no one has informed me of the outcome.
In other news, I started a job search for next year. I've found about 10 jobs I can apply for so far and they all happen to be in the US. I'll probably apply for 50 jobs this year with the hope that I'll be invited to interview for 2 of them. Yesterday I found out that there is a job opening 2 1/2 hours from where I currently live and for which I perfectly qualify. It seems that there's no better way to have my excitement erased than to tell other people. The responses I've received so far include:
"Isn't there anything closer?"
"You're planning on moving?"
"You're applying for jobs? What are you going to do with your baby?"
"What would your husband do if you get a job?"
"I'm not writing letters of recommendations for current students, but good luck"
Perhaps my sarcastic response of writing "Thanks for the encouragement. It's really nice to know that 9 1/2 years spent becoming a specialist, earning competitive scholarships to support my work, taking out student loans, living on food stamps, finding work shoveling animal poo and the like" will explain why I feel discouraged and out of place with wanting to be a professor and a mother. I don't doubt my ability to make it all work out, I just wonder how long I'll feel guilty for wanting both.
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