On Preparing to Defend

The office door next to mine has an essay warning graduate students of mandatory snake fights. Since that office is for an English professor, it's not surprising that there is a lengthy metaphor in small print hanging on the door regarding dissertation defenses. I've passed that door with its essay thousands of times and read the essay once or twice.

I hate snakes. I don't want to read anything that could even possibly be related to snakes. I refuse to go to the Amazon, Africa, India or Papua New Guinea for linguistic research because of the snake populations there. I even limit my job applications to positions in areas not known for snakes. Arkansas? No thanks, there are tons of snakes there. Australia? I'm still trying to convince myself to apply for two positions in Sydney, but the fact that Australia is home to most of the world's poisonous snakes is making it difficult. If only something exciting would open in Ireland, Greenland, Alaska or Norway, I'd be set. But back to preparing for my defense.

My defense is in two days. I'm supposed to be preparing an overview of my research and answers to anticipated questions from my committee members. Instead, all I can think about it stupid, ugly, horrifying snakes and the analogy that my defense is supposed to be the equivalent to a snake fight. I'm beginning to hope that English professor next door gets a big, painful zit this week for causing me extra anguish by feeding my stress with a reminder of my biggest phobia.

Luckily, I'm walking into my defense teamed up with Indiana Jones, and, as we all know, Indiana Jones hates snakes. There will be no snake fight on Thursday. I've had three other forms of oral exams with these committee members during my 6 years of graduate school. The two members that ask the most challenging questions already sent me comments and told me that my dissertation will pass the defense. My dissertation chair will help me if I get stuck and everyone wants me to look good. Although I feel a huge disconnect to my research due to the demands of parenting, I know Geraldine better than anyone else and everything will be fine. I just hope that I won't sound like an airhead on Thursday during the 2 hour question and answer session on my research. And for anyone reading this thinking that it would be a fun joke to show up to my defense with a rubber snake, a picture of a snake, hissing sounds or anything remotely related, please don't. I will never speak to you again and if I will blackball all of your research for the rest of your career if you do. Bring me a dataset instead. :)