On Interpreting E-mails From Your Department Chair

Call me a cynic, but when I receive e-mails from professors in my department, I enjoy deciphering their secret messages. This is the latest rendition, which I received from my department chair this afternoon.

Dear Ph.D. students,
<I can't remember all of your names so I will write a formal heading instead>

I hope you had a great winter break and you're all ready to start a new semester.
<You're a bunch of slackers. You'd better work hard these next few weeks, or I'm not renewing your contracts. After all, there were 8 applicants to the program for next Fall, so each of you can now be replaced.>

We are running a search for an Assistant professor in Phonology and we have our first selected candidate, Dr. X, coming for a job interview on Jan 26-27.
<We pulled a name out of a hat because there were too many applicants.>

Linguist X graduated from the University of California-Berkeley and is currently a lecturer at the University of Massachusetts.
<None of your credentials can compete with hers. You will only get jobs at community colleges, if you are lucky.>

We scheduled an open meeting with her and all the Ph.D. students on Friday from 1:00 to 1:30, so I encourage all of you to come and meet her. <We ran out of things to do with her because classes aren't in session. Cross off anything already on your to-do list.>

This meeting will be in the conference room.
<To avoid showing off the prison-like architecture of the building, we decided to highlight the only fancy table and chairs in the building (with the exception of the writing center, which convinces parents to pay their child's tuition).>

She is also giving a talk on Friday at 2;00pm and needless to say that you are also encouraged and expected to come to the talk.
<The department professors are on vacation and you are required to come so that it looks like the department is bigger and there are graduate students who actually care.>

best,
<You're screwed if you mess this up>


Department Chair's First Name
<I wrote this so you will think that I like you, but in actuality, I don't even know who you are.>