Many people want to start graduate school and like to talk to me about it. Others wonder why I study something that doesn't have much a real world practicality. Sometimes I wonder why I thought graduate school would be fulfilling, but since starting my PhD, I've never had a moment that caused me to doubt my decision to return to school. I consider myself very lucky to have confidence in that decision. While working on my MA, I constantly doubted my choice to return to school. I think most of that was because I gave up a great job with good pay for an okay job with lousy pay in a state really far away from home. I took a year off before starting my PhD and once classes started, I had adjusted to where I live and was eagerly looking forward to having a different job.
My typical daily thoughts have changed slightly since starting this degree. In the beginning, I worried about things like finishing course work, having professors support my work, continued funding and whether or not my program would still exist by the time I defended my dissertation. By being patient with my department, most of these problems took care of themselves. The last year has brought on new worries, dilemnas and crazy thoughts. I thought it might be fun to give you a taste of what goes through my head on a regular basis on a typical day while writing my dissertation.
I check my e-mail every morning as soon as I get out of bed. This usually results in:
- reading a student e-mail
-feeling annoyed by student's e-mail
-finding out that my student fixed his/her own problems before I read the first e-mail
- feeling relieved that I don't have to do anything extra
- reading a job announcement
-considering moving to another continent
-reading about rabbit importation policies in other countries
-wondering if I even have time to apply for an academic job
-worrying about my CV and lack of publications
-reminding myself that I am not supposed to be applying for jobs
-feeling better
-reading about conference announcements
-reminding myself that it's time to work on Geraldine
-if nothing needs my immediate attention, I start working on Geraldine
Then, I go to my office. This usually results in:
-running into someone who asks me about my job hunt while walking to my office or the bathroom
-feeling frusterated about not having a job lined up
-feeling anxious about being unemployed as of June 1st, knowing that I do not qualify for unemployment
-figuring out how much money I need to set aside in order to pay my bills
-realizing that I don't make enough money to set aside anything extra to pay my bills
-30 minutes of panic mode
-reality check and reminder to calm down and work
-running across campus to teach a class
-meeting with a committee member
-feeling confident or completely clueless, depending on the committee member
-going to the library
-fighting with a librarian
-seeing a student on my way back to my office
-helping a student feel better
-reading, taking notes, and feeling productive
-writing for the next 4 hours
-realizing it's getting dark and time to go home
Then I usually talk to a friend or relative. They usually ask me about:
-my job hunt
-my family plans
-my committee members
-my progress on my dissertation
-a desire to drink lots of alcohol
Except for the alcohol, all of those topics result in 30 minutes of panic mode. Unfortunately consuming alcohol keeps me up at night, and then I go back into panic mode and I think about:
-I am going to be unemployed soon
-no one will hire me because I have no skills for regular jobs/ only have farm and teaching experience and I am over-educated
-I will never be able to have children
-if by some miracle I do ever have children, I will never earn tenure
-I still have to work on my dissertation
-when can I go on vacation?
As you can tell, it has been an overwhelming day. On productive days I feel confident and forget about everything else. Other days, I just want to go back to bed. My greatest comfort at this point is knowing that it will all be over soon. I also know that tomorrow will take care of itself, but it hasn't stopped me from going into panic mode daily for the last week or so. Ugh. Is it bedtime yet?
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